To my beloved readers: I write this with my jaw agape, my whiskers rigid, my paws slightly worn from the rigors of competition. I’ve been exiled from Meow Mix House for reasons heretofore unknown, a victim of the swift and strict hand of justice thrust from our panel of experts. I make no excuses for my defeat. I was simply outcatted. Alas, back to Portland I go, where I will update my stock portfolio and surely become the highest earner in my household.

My meows are distinct and my purrs are like fine wine. I was brilliant, absolutely brilliant in that cat acting performance. I’d like to begin by thanking you, my loyal blog readers, for devoting every moment of your day to ensuring my success in Meow Mix House. A cat of my stature always needs little people like you to help.

Today, a short list of necessities for my stay in Meow Mix House. A Waterford crystal bowl for my water...a platinum bowl for my Meow Mix Market Select...a private litter box...and pillows stuffed with thousands of the most delicate feathers that man can purchase. If the producers are reading this blog, please send these items post-haste to Meow Mix House, deliverable to Ellis. Warning: don't let Zen get his grubby paws on them!

Is it any wonder that I’m never voted off the intellectual events? My feline sensibilities are so far advanced no cat challenged me during Cat Art. My painting should hang next to the Mona Lisa. On second thought, that old painting isn’t worthy of hanging next to my cat-masterpiece.

Some days, I sit in Meow Mix House watching the bankers, stockbrokers and CEOs walk by and think, “Working, what a bore! If you were born into luxury like I was, you wouldn’t be working in your skyscrapers, making trades and merging companies.” I should hire some of these CEOs to pour my Meow Mix Market Select. It comes in such an easy-to-open container, even those Wall Street guys could figure it out.

This house might not have a 61” plasma television or crystal water bowls, but it has plenty of Meow Mix Market Select, and someone of my stature wouldn’t dare eat anything but! However, I will say that watching Sam eat must be the most ghastly sight my cat eyes have ever seen. He slobbers, he spills, he licks.

I’m in charge of my own blog? Unfathomable! There should be an assistant, a second assistant and a personal assistant here to aid me in my blog writing. Nevertheless, allow me to briefly update you on the Meow Mix House. I share a house…with nine other cats. That’s all you need to know. Where’s my kitty spa? My polo course? My trips to the Hamptons? I’m high society, not Lower East Side.

Hello, loyal readers. I can’t write much right now – to my dismay, I just looked at my flight information and noticed that I’m flying coach. I distinctly requested the producers charter a jet from Portland to New York City. The nerve of them!